Originally Posted by
Kevin
Hello Mr. Beater.
I greatly enjoy your columns. As a fellow wordsmith and published freelancer (you've seen my works on BBC, NBC, ABC, CBC, XBC, CNBC, ARBC and MSBBC) I understand writing for the love of it. However, I have not had to do that in quite some time. Because I am far more successful than you.
I also come from a background in marketing (I own seventeen firms in New York, New York, Miami, Florida and Gary, Indiana) so I can appreciate your hustle in trying to get the word of the Beat into the digital ether. However, I fear you are making a grave mistake in your approach here on Vaccinationville. I will offer you some advice, it is not free so if you read the continuation of this thread I will send you a venmo request for my hourly rate. Don't worry, I think you can afford it. If not, we can discuss a low interest payment plan.
You see, Politicsville is full of assholes. Assholes like ECE8HE who want only to inflict their weak will upon others. EC8HC was emasculated by his mother and subsequently by his wife, so the only joy he derives from his shell of a life is in forcing people into a dystopian nightmare of an existence. Misery, as the old trope says, is a whiny self-righteous bitch who loves company. By coming to Ivermectinville and starting your post with "I apologize for that" is a lot like slitting your left wrist and then going for a swim with the sharks. The blood is in the water and the monsters will converge.
Instead I'm going to give you the same advice which I gave Hulk Hogan in 1996. I said, "brother, you hear those boos? It's time to turn heel. Join Nash and Hall and drop a big leg on Macho Man." Hogan looked at me and he said "Brother, you know you might just be right." and I said "damn right Terry. Get out there and don't do anything racist on the way."
I stayed back in the gorilla position and listened to the confused crowd boo. Bobby Heenan, another good friend of mine whom I'd run the angle by prior to the show, almost fucked it up by giving away the swerve before it happened. "But whose side is he on??" he said a full 30 seconds before Hulk did the turn. It was the only time Bobby wasn't on his game. Guy was a genius. A real Brain.
I digress, what you need to do Mr. Beater is embrace that hate. Apologize? Fuck that. If I were you (and thankfully I'm not, I'm far more accomplished) I would write that report every single week and I'd pick against the Bison in stages. Maybe first it's like "Albany has a QB named Undercuffler who is related to the Jay Undercutler of Broncos/Bears fame and I smell an upset." Then you could gradually get more and more absurd in the picks until you reach a point where you say something like "SIU is going to beat NDSU by double digits." Ha! Impossible, but the amount of heat you'd generate would be Hogan in 96 worthy.
So drop the leg, Mr. Beater. And never say you're sorry ever again. You're a slightly above average writer. You set the narrative.
Through memes thou shalt make war.
Go with God (that'll piss ECE8HE off even more, he blames the big guy upstairs for the aforementioned cuckery) and when it comes time to turn babyface again, I'll let you know.