MVFC Beat Week One Primer

[MVCBeat]

Lol. I didn't know what I was expecting when I saw nine replies but I was not expecting that. That's the thing about Bisonville. You never know what you'll get.

Anyway, I have two new articles for you.

A recap of last week's MVFC results can be found here: https://www.missourivalleybeat.com/p...-1-and-0-recap

A primer for this week's games in the MVFC can be found here: https://www.missourivalleybeat.com/p...-week-2-primer

Check them out if you'd like. Regardless, keep on being you Bisonville.

[Kevin]

Lol. I didn't know what I was expecting when I saw nine replies but I was not expecting that. That's the thing about Bisonville. You never know what you'll get.

Anyway, I have two new articles for you.

A recap of last week's MVFC results can be found here: https://www.missourivalleybeat.com/p...-1-and-0-recap

A primer for this week's games in the MVFC can be found here: https://www.missourivalleybeat.com/p...-week-2-primer

Check them out if you'd like. Regardless, keep on being you Bisonville.

No, no, no, no! You didn't listen at all. You're still trying to play to the crowd like a face, they will never cheer you. You could just as well be Emory fucking Hunt.

Now that's a reel heel.

I'm going to help you, again. I'm going to rewrite your column for you:


"Valparaiso (0-1) @ #15 University of North Dakota State - Saturday, 6pm: There are a couple of full-on mismatches this week and this is one of them. It's almost painful to write about. Valparaiso, newly christened the Beacons and members of the MVC in other sports, is a non-scholarship program out of the Pioneer League. They opened their season on the road against NAIA Indiana Wesleyan and fell to a series of unfortunate events and questionable reffing, falling behind 21-0 in the first quarter en route to a 28-10 loss in what can only be described as a Mafia rig of the century. Their opponent, North Dakota State…..well…..you all know about North Dakota State.

They're arrogant. They're undereducated. They're FAT.

And worst of all: THEY'RE UNVACCINATED.

The Bisons opened their season with a suspect win over Albany in which they showed terrible sportsmanship. Sportsmanship so bad that the Albany coach shed tears at the presser. A first, that I'm aware of, you see most people who play the Bisons (pronounced Bye-suns) are used to the cheating and the bullshit, but Albany comes from a respectable state on the sensible coast, they just didn't know what they were getting into. NDSU fell from #4 to #5 in the STATS poll despite the win (due to being leapfrogged by Montana who defeated Washington. The same Montana who dismantled the Bisons in Carson Wentz's fluke of a senior season). I have them ranked much lower at #15 and even then, I feel like I'm being generous. But unlike their carb filled fanbase I have NO INTEREST in kicking someone when they're down.

There's going to be cultists out there saying Valpo has no chance. But they don't understand football like we do here at the Beat. And the Bisons? Well. Those fucks might just get BEAT. This might be the beginning of the end.

R.I.P. Bisons Athletics

My prediction: Valpo 38-6 because NDSU's special teams doesn't suck, maybe their place kicker can transfer after this dumpster fire is put out."

[TransAmBison]

No, no, no, no! You didn't listen at all. You're still trying to play to the crowd like a face, they will never cheer you. You could just as well be Emory fucking Hunt.

Now that's a reel heel.

I'm going to help you, again. I'm going to rewrite your column for you:


"Valparaiso (0-1) @ #15 University of North Dakota State - Saturday, 6pm: There are a couple of full-on mismatches this week and this is one of them. It's almost painful to write about. Valparaiso, newly christened the Beacons and members of the MVC in other sports, is a non-scholarship program out of the Pioneer League. They opened their season on the road against NAIA Indiana Wesleyan and fell to a series of unfortunate events and questionable reffing, falling behind 21-0 in the first quarter en route to a 28-10 loss in what can only be described as a Mafia rig of the century. Their opponent, North Dakota State…..well…..you all know about North Dakota State.

They're arrogant. They're undereducated. They're FAT.

And worst of all: THEY'RE UNVACCINATED.

The Bisons opened their season with a suspect win over Albany in which they showed terrible sportsmanship. Sportsmanship so bad that the Albany coach shed tears at the presser. A first, that I'm aware of, you see most people who play the Bisons (pronounced Bye-suns) are used to the cheating and the bullshit, but Albany comes from a respectable state on the sensible coast, they just didn't know what they were getting into. NDSU fell from #4 to #5 in the STATS poll despite the win (due to being leapfrogged by Montana who defeated Washington. The same Montana who dismantled the Bisons in Carson Wentz's fluke of a senior season). I have them ranked much lower at #15 and even then, I feel like I'm being generous. But unlike their carb filled fanbase I have NO INTEREST in kicking someone when they're down.

There's going to be cultists out there saying Valpo has no chance. But they don't understand football like we do here at the Beat. And the Bisons? Well. Those fucks might just get BEAT. This might be the beginning of the end.

R.I.P. Bisons Athletics

My prediction: Valpo 38-6 because NDSU's special teams doesn't suck, maybe their place kicker can transfer after this dumpster fire is put out."

Solid journalism right there.

[MankatoBison]

Hello Mr. Beater.

I greatly enjoy your columns. As a fellow wordsmith and published freelancer (you've seen my works on BBC, NBC, ABC, CBC, XBC, CNBC, ARBC and MSBBC) I understand writing for the love of it. However, I have not had to do that in quite some time. Because I am far more successful than you.

I also come from a background in marketing (I own seventeen firms in New York, New York, Miami, Florida and Gary, Indiana) so I can appreciate your hustle in trying to get the word of the Beat into the digital ether. However, I fear you are making a grave mistake in your approach here on Vaccinationville. I will offer you some advice, it is not free so if you read the continuation of this thread I will send you a venmo request for my hourly rate. Don't worry, I think you can afford it. If not, we can discuss a low interest payment plan.

You see, Politicsville is full of assholes. Assholes like ECE8HE who want only to inflict their weak will upon others. EC8HC was emasculated by his mother and subsequently by his wife, so the only joy he derives from his shell of a life is in forcing people into a dystopian nightmare of an existence. Misery, as the old trope says, is a whiny self-righteous bitch who loves company. By coming to Ivermectinville and starting your post with "I apologize for that" is a lot like slitting your left wrist and then going for a swim with the sharks. The blood is in the water and the monsters will converge.

Instead I'm going to give you the same advice which I gave Hulk Hogan in 1996. I said, "brother, you hear those boos? It's time to turn heel. Join Nash and Hall and drop a big leg on Macho Man." Hogan looked at me and he said "Brother, you know you might just be right." and I said "damn right Terry. Get out there and don't do anything racist on the way."

I stayed back in the gorilla position and listened to the confused crowd boo. Bobby Heenan, another good friend of mine whom I'd run the angle by prior to the show, almost fucked it up by giving away the swerve before it happened. "But whose side is he on??" he said a full 30 seconds before Hulk did the turn. It was the only time Bobby wasn't on his game. Guy was a genius. A real Brain.

I digress, what you need to do Mr. Beater is embrace that hate. Apologize? Fuck that. If I were you (and thankfully I'm not, I'm far more accomplished) I would write that report every single week and I'd pick against the Bison in stages. Maybe first it's like "Albany has a QB named Undercuffler who is related to the Jay Undercutler of Broncos/Bears fame and I smell an upset." Then you could gradually get more and more absurd in the picks until you reach a point where you say something like "SIU is going to beat NDSU by double digits." Ha! Impossible, but the amount of heat you'd generate would be Hogan in 96 worthy.

So drop the leg, Mr. Beater. And never say you're sorry ever again. You're a slightly above average writer. You set the narrative.

Through memes thou shalt make war.

Go with God (that'll piss ECE8HE off even more, he blames the big guy upstairs for the aforementioned cuckery) and when it comes time to turn babyface again, I'll let you know.

We are all better for having read this nonsense lol. I honestly dont understand what I just read, but I know I enjoyed it

[EC8CH]

No, no, no, no! You didn't listen at all. You're still trying to play to the crowd like a face, they will never cheer you. You could just as well be Emory fucking Hunt.

Now that's a reel heel.

I'm going to help you, again. I'm going to rewrite your column for you:


"Valparaiso (0-1) @ #15 University of North Dakota State - Saturday, 6pm: There are a couple of full-on mismatches this week and this is one of them. It's almost painful to write about. Valparaiso, newly christened the Beacons and members of the MVC in other sports, is a non-scholarship program out of the Pioneer League. They opened their season on the road against NAIA Indiana Wesleyan and fell to a series of unfortunate events and questionable reffing, falling behind 21-0 in the first quarter en route to a 28-10 loss in what can only be described as a Mafia rig of the century. Their opponent, North Dakota State…..well…..you all know about North Dakota State.

They're arrogant. They're undereducated. They're FAT.

And worst of all: THEY'RE UNVACCINATED.

The Bisons opened their season with a suspect win over Albany in which they showed terrible sportsmanship. Sportsmanship so bad that the Albany coach shed tears at the presser. A first, that I'm aware of, you see most people who play the Bisons (pronounced Bye-suns) are used to the cheating and the bullshit, but Albany comes from a respectable state on the sensible coast, they just didn't know what they were getting into. NDSU fell from #4 to #5 in the STATS poll despite the win (due to being leapfrogged by Montana who defeated Washington. The same Montana who dismantled the Bisons in Carson Wentz's fluke of a senior season). I have them ranked much lower at #15 and even then, I feel like I'm being generous. But unlike their carb filled fanbase I have NO INTEREST in kicking someone when they're down.

There's going to be cultists out there saying Valpo has no chance. But they don't understand football like we do here at the Beat. And the Bisons? Well. Those fucks might just get BEAT. This might be the beginning of the end.

R.I.P. Bisons Athletics

My prediction: Valpo 38-6 because NDSU's special teams doesn't suck, maybe their place kicker can transfer after this dumpster fire is put out."

[Kevin]

That's a really problematic boomer meme there.

Guy needs to get heat. He obviously has no idea how to do it. Wait until you see when I rewrite his column for UN_ game.

[totoinfl]

No, no, no, no! You didn't listen at all. You're still trying to play to the crowd like a face, they will never cheer you. You could just as well be Emory fucking Hunt.

Now that's a reel heel.

I'm going to help you, again. I'm going to rewrite your column for you:


"Valparaiso (0-1) @ #15 University of North Dakota State - Saturday, 6pm: There are a couple of full-on mismatches this week and this is one of them. It's almost painful to write about. Valparaiso, newly christened the Beacons and members of the MVC in other sports, is a non-scholarship program out of the Pioneer League. They opened their season on the road against NAIA Indiana Wesleyan and fell to a series of unfortunate events and questionable reffing, falling behind 21-0 in the first quarter en route to a 28-10 loss in what can only be described as a Mafia rig of the century. Their opponent, North Dakota State…..well…..you all know about North Dakota State.

They're arrogant. They're undereducated. They're FAT.

And worst of all: THEY'RE UNVACCINATED.

The Bisons opened their season with a suspect win over Albany in which they showed terrible sportsmanship. Sportsmanship so bad that the Albany coach shed tears at the presser. A first, that I'm aware of, you see most people who play the Bisons (pronounced Bye-suns) are used to the cheating and the bullshit, but Albany comes from a respectable state on the sensible coast, they just didn't know what they were getting into. NDSU fell from #4 to #5 in the STATS poll despite the win (due to being leapfrogged by Montana who defeated Washington. The same Montana who dismantled the Bisons in Carson Wentz's fluke of a senior season). I have them ranked much lower at #15 and even then, I feel like I'm being generous. But unlike their carb filled fanbase I have NO INTEREST in kicking someone when they're down.

There's going to be cultists out there saying Valpo has no chance. But they don't understand football like we do here at the Beat. And the Bisons? Well. Those fucks might just get BEAT. This might be the beginning of the end.

R.I.P. Bisons Athletics

My prediction: Valpo 38-6 because NDSU's special teams doesn't suck, maybe their place kicker can transfer after this dumpster fire is put out."

You have to learn to use your powers for good...but in this case evil is just fine.

[Kevin]

Hello Mr. Beater.

I greatly enjoy your columns. As a fellow wordsmith and published freelancer (you've seen my works on BBC, NBC, ABC, CBC, XBC, CNBC, ARBC and MSBBC) I understand writing for the love of it. However, I have not had to do that in quite some time. Because I am far more successful than you.

I also come from a background in marketing (I own seventeen firms in New York, New York, Miami, Florida and Gary, Indiana) so I can appreciate your hustle in trying to get the word of the Beat into the digital ether. However, I fear you are making a grave mistake in your approach here on Vaccinationville. I will offer you some advice, it is not free so if you read the continuation of this thread I will send you a venmo request for my hourly rate. Don't worry, I think you can afford it. If not, we can discuss a low interest payment plan.

You see, Politicsville is full of assholes. Assholes like ECE8HE who want only to inflict their weak will upon others. EC8HC was emasculated by his mother and subsequently by his wife, so the only joy he derives from his shell of a life is in forcing people into a dystopian nightmare of an existence. Misery, as the old trope says, is a whiny self-righteous bitch who loves company. By coming to Ivermectinville and starting your post with "I apologize for that" is a lot like slitting your left wrist and then going for a swim with the sharks. The blood is in the water and the monsters will converge.

Instead I'm going to give you the same advice which I gave Hulk Hogan in 1996. I said, "brother, you hear those boos? It's time to turn heel. Join Nash and Hall and drop a big leg on Macho Man." Hogan looked at me and he said "Brother, you know you might just be right." and I said "damn right Terry. Get out there and don't do anything racist on the way."

I stayed back in the gorilla position and listened to the confused crowd boo. Bobby Heenan, another good friend of mine whom I'd run the angle by prior to the show, almost fucked it up by giving away the swerve before it happened. "But whose side is he on??" he said a full 30 seconds before Hulk did the turn. It was the only time Bobby wasn't on his game. Guy was a genius. A real Brain.

I digress, what you need to do Mr. Beater is embrace that hate. Apologize? Fuck that. If I were you (and thankfully I'm not, I'm far more accomplished) I would write that report every single week and I'd pick against the Bison in stages. Maybe first it's like "Albany has a QB named Undercuffler who is related to the Jay Undercutler of Broncos/Bears fame and I smell an upset." Then you could gradually get more and more absurd in the picks until you reach a point where you say something like "SIU is going to beat NDSU by double digits." Ha! Impossible, but the amount of heat you'd generate would be Hogan in 96 worthy.

So drop the leg, Mr. Beater. And never say you're sorry ever again. You're a slightly above average writer. You set the narrative.

Through memes thou shalt make war.

Go with God (that'll piss ECE8HE off even more, he blames the big guy upstairs for the aforementioned cuckery) and when it comes time to turn babyface again, I'll let you know.

Dear Mr. Beater, I wrote you but you still ain't callin'

I left my venmo, paypal and btc address at the bottom

I sent two invoices back in autumn u must notta gottem

There was probably a problem at the blockchain or somethin

Sometimes I fat finger addresses too muach when I tap 'em

But anyways fuck it what's been up man? How's your blog?

I'm a writer too, I'm bout to win a politzer

If I give a speech guess who imma thank?

Ima thank lakes.

I read about your analytics report too I'm sorry.

I had a friend whose traffic was only his mother too.

I know u probably hear this every day but u need to pay me

I saw your new site on blogspot, thats gonna double my fee

i liked the meme u made with UN_ too that shit was fat

Anyway I hope u get this man because if u don't my next call will be to ur house.


-Stan

[El_Chapo]

MVFC BEAT

love your work. bravo

[MVCBeat]

Hey All,

My recap of week 2 in the MVFC can be found here: https://www.missourivalleybeat.com/p...k-2-mvfc-recap

I'll have a primer for this week's games out later this week. Next week I plan to power rank the FCS leagues so stay tuned for that as well.

Check them out if you'd like and follow me @BeatMVC if you'd like as well. Go Valley!

Oh and Kevin, I don't really get your deal but keep it up. I enjoyed your rewrite.