AC/DC to the West Lot.........rumors

[Bison Loofa]

Dear Manilow Makers,

We've been busy cleaning house around here the last month or so, and I do mean CLEANING HOUSE - not just people. The prior occupants were filthy pigs!

All of this is really hampering our efforts to bring the Great Manilow in for a West Lot Concert, Meet 'n Greet, and Game Intro. (The loss to Arizona didn't help either. Manilow only likes winners, dammit.)

You just won't believe some of the crap we've been cleaning up. First and foremost is ....... actual crap. Yes, there was a lot of animal feces lying about, as one might expect .... dog, cat, mice, bird, horse, snake, tarantula, even bison excrement (wasn't Corso missing for a day or two last fall?), but who would ever have expected human feces itself? I mean, how does that even happen, especially with 5 stolen West Lot porta-potties securely anchored in the living room? (No WONDER the lines are so long out there!)

There was also gum stuck under every piece of furniture in the place, including the greatly stained carpet. Food wrappers, candy wrappers, cigar butts, court summons, parking tickets, crushed beer cans, open beer cans, spilled beer cans, pizza crust, deodorant sticks, flossing sticks, used Kleenex, missing teeth, fake ID's, half-eaten Cheetos under and around everything, and ramen noodles seemingly stuck to every wall in the joint. Oh, and lots of joints too.

And all the pages of paper stacked around the place was a real fire hazard, I tell you ......... finished AC/DC parody lyrics, unfinished AC/DC parody lyrics, court orders about AC/DC parody lyrics, cease and desist notices, finished and unfinished parody lyrics on other songs from other artists, more cease and desist notices, love letters, dating profiles, "Dear John' letters, P5 Conference job applications, hate letters, letters to the editor, letters to the Governor, letters to the President, letters to Angus Young, letters to TAB, letters to Fanette, letters to Finn the Goldendoodle Stud, letters to CAS, letters to RTO, letters to Milli Vanilli on behalf of RTO, letters to Playboy, letters to Penthouse, letters to Bresciani, letters to Fauci, letters to Samantha Ponder, multiple restraining orders from Samantha Ponder, multiple general restraining orders, ransom notes both to and from, 'handsome" notes both to and from himself, and a boatload of resignation letters to the State Board of Higher Tailgating (SBOHT) - none ever finished, mailed or delivered.

(Deep Breath - Long Sigh) The fact is, it's going to take more time to get Manilow in here, people, and more donation money to finish this gigantic clean-up effort.

Yours is Cleanliness,

Bison Loofa
Merry Maid of Mayhem
Manilow Makers, INC.

[BISONBRI53]

Dear Manilow Makers,

We've been busy cleaning house around here the last month or so, and I do mean CLEANING HOUSE - not just people. The prior occupants were filthy pigs!

All of this is really hampering our efforts to bring the Great Manilow in for a West Lot Concert, Meet 'n Greet, and Game Intro. (The loss to Arizona didn't help either. Manilow only likes winners, dammit.)

You just won't believe some of the crap we've been cleaning up. First and foremost is ....... actual crap. Yes, there was a lot of animal feces lying about, as one might expect .... dog, cat, mice, bird, horse, snake, tarantula, even bison excrement (wasn't Corso missing for a day or two last fall?), but who would ever have expected human feces itself? I mean, how does that even happen, especially with 5 stolen West Lot porta-potties securely anchored in the living room? (No WONDER the lines are so long out there!)

There was also gum stuck under every piece of furniture in the place, including the greatly stained carpet. Food wrappers, candy wrappers, cigar butts, court summons, parking tickets, crushed beer cans, open beer cans, spilled beer cans, pizza crust, deodorant sticks, flossing sticks, used Kleenex, missing teeth, fake ID's, half-eaten Cheetos under and around everything, and ramen noodles seemingly stuck to every wall in the joint. Oh, and lots of joints too.

And all the pages of paper stacked around the place was a real fire hazard, I tell you ......... finished AC/DC parody lyrics, unfinished AC/DC parody lyrics, court orders about AC/DC parody lyrics, cease and desist notices, finished and unfinished parody lyrics on other songs from other artists, more cease and desist notices, love letters, dating profiles, "Dear John' letters, P5 Conference job applications, hate letters, letters to the editor, letters to the Governor, letters to the President, letters to Angus Young, letters to TAB, letters to Fanette, letters to Finn the Goldendoodle Stud, letters to CAS, letters to RTO, letters to Milli Vanilli on behalf of RTO, letters to Playboy, letters to Penthouse, letters to Bresciani, letters to Fauci, letters to Samantha Ponder, multiple restraining orders from Samantha Ponder, multiple general restraining orders, ransom notes both to and from, 'handsome" notes both to and from himself, and a boatload of resignation letters to the State Board of Higher Tailgating (SBOHT) - none ever finished, mailed or delivered.

(Deep Breath - Long Sigh) The fact is, it's going to take more time to get Manilow in here, people, and more donation money to finish this gigantic clean-up effort.

Yours is Cleanliness,

Bison Loofa
Merry Maid of Mayhem
Manilow Makers, INC.

Were all those restraining orders from player's grandma's given to Lakes?

[Bison Loofa]

To ALL My Hurting People after the Arizona Loss,

When we here at Manilow Makers took over this motley operation recently in a horribly violent and bloody online coup, we made a promise to all of you General Admission tailgaters (and other so-called undesirables like country music lovers) that we were going to be an organization of real action for you ..... with real results, and real solutions to real problems in the real world. Really.

As proof of this commitment, we offer this comforting gift below to all of our beautiful little mullet-heads out there (make no mistake, that is a term of endearment for us) that can't get over the Arizona coach telling us all (and I'm paraphrasing here because we strive to be a G-rated family show) to "go pleasure ourselves with rhythmic pelvic thrusting".

I'm so glad we could be of service so soon. Let the healing begin.

Bison Loofa
Healer, Shaman, and Snowflake Whisperer
Manilow Makers, Inc.

[Bison Loofa]

Dear Manilow Makers,

Well this is certainly embarrassing, but .... um .... we are, it seems, having ........ uh .......... a little teensy weensy difficulty bringing the Great Manilow into the West Lot for a Live Intro, Tailgate Concert, and Meet 'n Greet.

We know you are on pins and needles in high anticipation for this awesome promised event, but it seems that this greedy damn son-of-a-bitchin' bastard is holding out for a rather large fee that, well, we just can't come up with at ..... um ....... this particular moment in time.

So ........ while we will absolutely continue to negotiate the bejeezus out of this thing until it is finally and fairly consummated, we are likewise actively looking around for .... um ...... Alternative Entertainment of the Manilow Variety. Would the prior regime ever do THAT for you? I doubt it!

I can report that one of our operatives found this intriguing act in an undisclosed location, and we think this could be a serviceable alternative as long as they agree to reasonable (and by reasonable I mean next to nothing) fees and don't accidently start ripping into that damnable rock and roll music that we all hate with a passion out in the Bison Tailgating Lots.

We'll keep you posted, people. Until then, continue to crank up those great Manilow tunes out in the West Lot!

Sincerely,


Bison Loofa
Chairman & Dicktator
Manilow Makers, Inc.

[Bison Loaf]

Hello?......... Hello?? This is London Calling. Is anyone out there? Hello? McFly? Bueller? Hello? ............. This is London Calling. Come In. Come In!
Dammit! This thing is not working. You guys are full of crap and I just paid $500 worth in black market booze to get this done!
What? Oh we ARE connected to Bisonville? Well I'll be damned! I still want a partial refund on that black market booze, though. Comprende?


Hello Rockers in the Free World ............... This is Bison Loaf ......... yes, THE Bison Loaf on Radio Free Europe ................. The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated and I am still alive ......... but barely.

I have been taken hostage as the result of a bloody online coup instigated by a radical and hateful Manilow Sleeper Cell within our ThM organization .................. and am being kept in an undisclosed underground location somewhere in the world. (It's likely not London but I just have always wanted to say that if I ever made a secret radio contact.) Like a lot of things, I never even saw the Manilow cell coming. One day I'm working my ass off for you, then the next day I'm lethargic and naked. But then it REALLY got weird and the day after that they came and took me (not in the biblical sense).

I have been tortured everyday since my disappearance. Please contact the Geneva Convention hotline for me because (1) these damn savages are not following the proper rules of engagement for bloody online coups ..... and (2) my cellphone needs to be charged. The fact is, I've had Barry Manilow music blasted at me night and day in this place for 120 straight days ........ and my mind is in varying stages of complete madness because of it. I fear that I won't make it if they actually bring Manilow himself in here to interrogate me, like they've threatened to do. Yes of course, I have a bootleg AC/DC Powerage CD crammed up my old whazoo in case of emergency (who doesn't?) ......... but I have nothing to play it on, and the internal discomfort down there is getting totally unbearable.

Obviously, I am planning a spectacular "Mission Impossible-style" escape with a number of my very sketchy co-conspirators that will likely become a really awesome, best-selling action movie in the very near future, starring a digitally-modified Steve McQueen as Bison Loaf .......... but I'm still not sure I can trust my fellow prisoners ................. some of them are actually former General Admission Tailgaters and Country Music Lovers! No, I'm not talking about YOU guys, dammit! Mind your own business and just keep this radio running!

But I'm out of life-saving options, people. So it's down to picking my poison, I guess. Manilow Lovers .......... Country Music Lovers, Manilow Lovers ......... General Admission Tailgaters. Looks like I have to trust somebody ........ but it doesn't make it any easier!

In the meantime, in the inspiring words of our beloved AC/DC ....... Have a Drink On Me, Thunderstruck Makers!!

Loaf


P.S. According to my internal calculations, you've got the Jacks coming in this week. Stig would just love for you all to be playing Manilow tunes out in the West Lot against your will. Don't do it, people! Don't do it!

[TransAmBison]

I picture Loaf/Loofa as a combination of Fight Club meets Beavis & Butthead. Loaf beats the crap out of himself...saying if it is your first night in Manilow Club, you play Manilow, followed by a NO WAY BUNGHOLE, and then he slaps himself around. All bloodied, with a tooth missing, Loofa looks in the mirror and says, "Dumba**." Loaf looks in the mirror and says, "But you should see the other guy."

[Bison Loofa]

I picture Loaf/Loofa as a combination of Fight Club meets Beavis & Butthead. Loaf beats the crap out of himself...saying if it is your first night in Manilow Club, you play Manilow, followed by a NO WAY BUNGHOLE, and then he slaps himself around. All bloodied, with a tooth missing, Loofa looks in the mirror and says, "Dumba**." Loaf looks in the mirror and says, "But you should see the other guy."

If, and I do mean IF, you are implying, in any possible way, shape, or form, that I and "that other person" are anywhere similar or the same in any possible form, shape, or way, then I must ask you to cease and desist immediately, and remind you that such specious accusations are an actionable event in a court of law.


As for the rest of you, I do apologize for the recent unauthorized transmission that was somehow able to slip through our elaborate defenses, and we are currently attempting to track down the origin of said transmission for further after-action assessment of the matter. It was most likely a couple of junior high juveniles from Hoople, ND just playing around with radios, matches, and drugs. Damn kids these days! Chances are very unlikely it actually came from whom it claimed to be.

So nothing to see here, people. We order you to get back to the Manilow tunes. We're going to need all the good Barry juju we can get heading into Jacks weekend.

Loofa

[Bison Loofa]

Dear Manilow Makers,

Okay, so the Barry Manilow era of Bison football and tailgating is not off to the greatest of starts .......... but dammit, people, I'm not the one calling the plays, or missing the tackles, or forgetting to lock the port-a-potty doors, or drinking more than my fair share of the booze out there (well those last two might be highly debatable at times )!

But the bottom line is we can't blame any of this on poor Barry. Hell, I was patrolling the West Lot prior to the Jacks game, and I did not hear a "winning" level of Manilow being played out there, nor even an FCS minimum "acceptable" level of Manilow. So it's time to start looking inward toward your own selfish selves and ask if you are indeed doing everything you can to help the Bison win. Me and my cohorts went through all the damn trouble (and begrudgingly gave up every other weekend or so) to foment this horribly violent and bloody online coup for you, and the fact is, I did not hear one "Mandy" being cranked up to ungodly levels. Not one "Copacabana" put on auto-repeat. Not a single effin' "Can't Smile Without You" to be heard anywhere on the northside of Fargo. Blame yourselves, people .... blame .... your ... selves.

The good news, however, is that in times like these, we at Manilow Makers have the ability, with the help of Manilow's immense musical talents and your prodigious donations, to ease your pain. (see below)

But we gotta get our shit together, people, or we might suddenly find those neanderthal AC/DC-lovers back in power ................... and nobody wants THAT!


Yours in Tough Love,

Bison Loofa
Chairman and Dicktator
Manilow Makers, Inc.



A Letter From The West Lot - Read It and Weep .........................................

I've been trying for hours just to process what exactly I saw
I thought we had it all going, finally broke it all free
Until we tried to get cute, and now it rubs me so raw

And I've been dying for hours just replaying that damn game in my mind
I'd like to know why you called that pass and threw it away,
You know we've NEVER let you off the hook for crap of that kind!

Well, I could say that's "tough luck" or maybe "get 'em next time"
But you would sense my sarcastic tone
We started out with a bang and had them down on their knees
But then we shot that damn "arrow", and then missed the End Zone,
The whole damn End Zone!

If I could find the frickin' words then I would write 'em all down
But I'm afraid they would all say "bleep, bleep".
Cuz man, there's tears in my eyes, and I'm about to breakdown,
C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep

If I could lose all my anger, try to shout it out loud
Might even call for another Jet Sweep ............. (someday?)
But man, there's tears in my eyes, and it's too soon to be proud
C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep
C'mon just look at me ....... and read 'em ........ and weep

[Bison Loaf]

Hello?......... Hello?? This is London Calling. Is anyone out there? Come In. Alpha, Niner, Roger. This is London Calling all Thunderstruck Makers ............. Come in, Resistance Fighters! Your Leader Speaks. Come In!


My Fellow Thunderstruck Makers,

I am still alive. Alive, I tell you! And I'm thinking of all of you this blessed Halloween season while suffering in my own prolonged captivity.

Yeah, I heard our Bison lost to the Jacks recently, and that things aren't going so well right now, and that we even lost our best damn Tik Tokker on the team. And yes, I know that the Manilow Sleeper Cell is making your life a veritable hell, and no, there's not a spec of news regarding any new AC/DC music on the horizon, or a West Lot Meet 'n Greet to look forward to anytime soon ............ but at least I'm miserable too, am I right?

In fact, you'd be shocked to see how shabbily a high-profile, political prisoner like myself is being treated around here. Would you believe they only let me have one flavor of ice cream each day (vanilla) and that the chocolate syrup for it is that reduced-fat, low-calorie crap! Hell, while I'm choking THAT down, the big screen TV I'm forced to watch isn't even digital, for cripes sakes! These are some real savage bastards we're dealing with!

Unfortunately, I'm still here because my planned Mission Impossible-style escape didn't go so well, given that I embarrassingly cried a few times over the dangerous stunts I was asked to complete (but refused) in such a sexy, but misguided grab for mother freedom. Give me liberty or give me death .... my ass! .... I can wait. I did, however, gain a new-found respect for Tom Cruise, and all the calamity that HE seems to get himself out of. Major props to you, man!

So, after quickly scrapping that spectacular and dangerous escape plan, I've now decided instead to send an encrypted Halloween SOS message to all of you, asking you to risk your OWN lives to save mine. Frankly, it's a plan that's much more prudent in the long run.

And don't you worry about me divulging any secret information or proprietary instructions to our enemies within this upcoming missive. The damn thing is so long, nobody is going to read it anyway, especially not those Manilow Maker idiots.

So keep a sharp eye out for my secret Halloween message on this very channel, and continue pretending like you love all the Manilow stuff! The horribly violent and bloody online counter-coup is coming. Stay strong.


Yours in the Rockin' Free World,

Generalissimo Loaf

[runtheoption]

I believe that Bison Loofa and Bison Loaf might be the same person. There is something strangely similar in the way they write.

Yes, I am that smart. You are welcome.