Kevin
12-15-2021, 10:51 PM
It was a cold, dreary December day when I stopped into a dusky bar on the outskirts of Hoople. I entered the dimly lit shithole to meet a legend.
I was there to drink copious amounts of whiskey and talk football with CAS.
As promised he was sitting in a back corner table, the light above the table was burned out or maybe he unscrewed it? Either way it definitely added a certain something to the Hooply ambiance.
I pulled out a chair and sat down. It was hard to see the Bison legend through the darkness of our little Hooplian corner and the thick smog of smoke that was coming from the ashtray on the table. But as he drew another stiff pull from his virigina slim menthol 120 I knew for a fact that was who I'd come to see. The natty champy rings were reflecting what little light was allowed in our presence.
"Bro?" I said. "Is that you?"
"Who else would it be? Lakes? I'm not sitting in a fucking booster seat am I?"
We laughed. It was a good ice breaker. I'd come all this way in search of guidance. There was not time to bullshit.
"CAS, bro. JMU is coming to Fargo on Friday-"
"No shit." CAS said, interrupting me.
"....and it kinda feels like a big deal bro. They famously beat us once I think it was like in 2006 or something."
"Really? Don't remember it." CAS said, lighting a second virgina slim and sticking it in the other corner of his mouth.
"I don't either but they won't shut up about it. Anyway, it's almost like we didn't beat the tar out of them like thirty times including in the National Championship four time." I replied, impressing the titan of a bro with my knowledge.
"I remember the last on well," CAS said "I was there bro. I saw that... QB they had. What was his name?"
"Ben DiDouchey?" I replied, again flexing my much younger more agile brain.
"Yeah... that's him. Real cowboy that one. Completed the most important pass in recent Bison history that day."
"Yeah, to Jimmy Football!" we laughed again, harder this time. Until we realized that it was only because we haven't been able to successfully complete a down field pass since.
"Anyway bro," I said. "JMU is coming to town, they're leaving for the FBS and a lot of bros are worried that they're going to leave on a high no-"
My phone buzzed, filling with text messages.
"Real professional bro." CAS said. "That lakes begging for help getting unbanned again?"
I looked, it was actually Scottie. "Help me bro the feds are here for real this time I think."
"Nah CAS. It's just Scottie getting high on his own supply again. This happens sometimes."
CAS nodded. In his illustrious legal career he knew two things: meth heads and drunk drivers. And methed up drunk drivers. A category which Scottie created single handedly.
Then he continued: "Bro, JMU should just let NDSU win. It's the best thing they could do. Because when they get to FBS they aren't going to find a promised land full of milk titties and honey snatch."
I had no idea what that meant but I wasn't going to ask.
"Instead they're going to be bottom feeders. Appy gonna take their lunch and eat it in front of them. Then their fans are gonna be like 'hey bros we should have stayed in FCS where we could sometimes throw our dumb shit streamers like dumb shits.'".
This was a valid point. My phone blew up again. "Bro. SERIOUSLY I CAN SEE THE VANS." Great, now he's hallucinating. I was going to have to wrap this up before he blows up the barn. Again.
"So what you're saying CAS... is that by beating us they're going to have another memory of not being bottom feeders to cling to whereas if they just lay down and take it-"
"Like a whore." CAS interrupted again, smoking frantically.
"Uh... yeah... like that, you're saying that the expectations of being our bitch will be the same as being Appy's bitch so it's all good?"
"Precisely bro. Low expectations like Tab's wife has on the day she said I do. She's been disappointed a whole bunch but it was never a deal breaker because she never expected much in the first place. Same with JMU in FBS. But unlike TAB's wife they won't have the stud boyfriend in college to look back on so there won't be no regret because they were never winners in the first place bro."
"But isn't that kind of defeatist CAS? Can a program continue without hope?"
"You wouldn't understand kid. You never touched that field!" CAS was suddenly angry, I'd been warned about this.
It was also wrong. I'd once done the macarena on the fargodome field thus helping set a guiness book world record for the largest macarena dance in the world in like 96. Sure CAS had national championships but did we have a world championship? And wait a minute didn't CAS graduate like half a decade before the building opened? Technically he never stepped foot on that field either.
But I wasn't going to argue. There was no time for that. My phone buzzed again, this time it was a VNL news break. Top story: "Father of 17 dies from COVID, dies begging for vaccines, plural." second story "Joint DEA-ATF raid lands 500 pounds of methamphetamine in dilapidated ND barn."
"Oh shit.... That's bad." I said.
"Is it going to make me mad bro? Don't tell me if it's going to make me mad bro. I'm already mad bro!" CAS said, as people got up and quickly left for the cold streets of Hoople like peasants fleeing from a high noon quickdraw contest.
"That depends bro. Did you invest in the barn or in Bro Seed?"
"Bro Seed" CAS said, now turning red in the face.
"Nah we're good then." I replied.
And just like that CAS returned to normal. Back to smoking menthols and telling stories of the glory days. Did you know he used to tackle people? I didn't either.
We shut down the bar that night and then I drove us drunkenly to find Scottie and get him to Canada. But that's another story.
From this wild Tuesday in Hoople I came to understand Bison athletics a bit clearer. JMU should let us win. Because beating us would just prepare them for future disappointment. Just like last time in 06.
So just lay down Dukes and take it.
Like a whore.
I was there to drink copious amounts of whiskey and talk football with CAS.
As promised he was sitting in a back corner table, the light above the table was burned out or maybe he unscrewed it? Either way it definitely added a certain something to the Hooply ambiance.
I pulled out a chair and sat down. It was hard to see the Bison legend through the darkness of our little Hooplian corner and the thick smog of smoke that was coming from the ashtray on the table. But as he drew another stiff pull from his virigina slim menthol 120 I knew for a fact that was who I'd come to see. The natty champy rings were reflecting what little light was allowed in our presence.
"Bro?" I said. "Is that you?"
"Who else would it be? Lakes? I'm not sitting in a fucking booster seat am I?"
We laughed. It was a good ice breaker. I'd come all this way in search of guidance. There was not time to bullshit.
"CAS, bro. JMU is coming to Fargo on Friday-"
"No shit." CAS said, interrupting me.
"....and it kinda feels like a big deal bro. They famously beat us once I think it was like in 2006 or something."
"Really? Don't remember it." CAS said, lighting a second virgina slim and sticking it in the other corner of his mouth.
"I don't either but they won't shut up about it. Anyway, it's almost like we didn't beat the tar out of them like thirty times including in the National Championship four time." I replied, impressing the titan of a bro with my knowledge.
"I remember the last on well," CAS said "I was there bro. I saw that... QB they had. What was his name?"
"Ben DiDouchey?" I replied, again flexing my much younger more agile brain.
"Yeah... that's him. Real cowboy that one. Completed the most important pass in recent Bison history that day."
"Yeah, to Jimmy Football!" we laughed again, harder this time. Until we realized that it was only because we haven't been able to successfully complete a down field pass since.
"Anyway bro," I said. "JMU is coming to town, they're leaving for the FBS and a lot of bros are worried that they're going to leave on a high no-"
My phone buzzed, filling with text messages.
"Real professional bro." CAS said. "That lakes begging for help getting unbanned again?"
I looked, it was actually Scottie. "Help me bro the feds are here for real this time I think."
"Nah CAS. It's just Scottie getting high on his own supply again. This happens sometimes."
CAS nodded. In his illustrious legal career he knew two things: meth heads and drunk drivers. And methed up drunk drivers. A category which Scottie created single handedly.
Then he continued: "Bro, JMU should just let NDSU win. It's the best thing they could do. Because when they get to FBS they aren't going to find a promised land full of milk titties and honey snatch."
I had no idea what that meant but I wasn't going to ask.
"Instead they're going to be bottom feeders. Appy gonna take their lunch and eat it in front of them. Then their fans are gonna be like 'hey bros we should have stayed in FCS where we could sometimes throw our dumb shit streamers like dumb shits.'".
This was a valid point. My phone blew up again. "Bro. SERIOUSLY I CAN SEE THE VANS." Great, now he's hallucinating. I was going to have to wrap this up before he blows up the barn. Again.
"So what you're saying CAS... is that by beating us they're going to have another memory of not being bottom feeders to cling to whereas if they just lay down and take it-"
"Like a whore." CAS interrupted again, smoking frantically.
"Uh... yeah... like that, you're saying that the expectations of being our bitch will be the same as being Appy's bitch so it's all good?"
"Precisely bro. Low expectations like Tab's wife has on the day she said I do. She's been disappointed a whole bunch but it was never a deal breaker because she never expected much in the first place. Same with JMU in FBS. But unlike TAB's wife they won't have the stud boyfriend in college to look back on so there won't be no regret because they were never winners in the first place bro."
"But isn't that kind of defeatist CAS? Can a program continue without hope?"
"You wouldn't understand kid. You never touched that field!" CAS was suddenly angry, I'd been warned about this.
It was also wrong. I'd once done the macarena on the fargodome field thus helping set a guiness book world record for the largest macarena dance in the world in like 96. Sure CAS had national championships but did we have a world championship? And wait a minute didn't CAS graduate like half a decade before the building opened? Technically he never stepped foot on that field either.
But I wasn't going to argue. There was no time for that. My phone buzzed again, this time it was a VNL news break. Top story: "Father of 17 dies from COVID, dies begging for vaccines, plural." second story "Joint DEA-ATF raid lands 500 pounds of methamphetamine in dilapidated ND barn."
"Oh shit.... That's bad." I said.
"Is it going to make me mad bro? Don't tell me if it's going to make me mad bro. I'm already mad bro!" CAS said, as people got up and quickly left for the cold streets of Hoople like peasants fleeing from a high noon quickdraw contest.
"That depends bro. Did you invest in the barn or in Bro Seed?"
"Bro Seed" CAS said, now turning red in the face.
"Nah we're good then." I replied.
And just like that CAS returned to normal. Back to smoking menthols and telling stories of the glory days. Did you know he used to tackle people? I didn't either.
We shut down the bar that night and then I drove us drunkenly to find Scottie and get him to Canada. But that's another story.
From this wild Tuesday in Hoople I came to understand Bison athletics a bit clearer. JMU should let us win. Because beating us would just prepare them for future disappointment. Just like last time in 06.
So just lay down Dukes and take it.
Like a whore.